“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’  or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”

 

 - Dave Barry

 

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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

 

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

 

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

 

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St. Nicholas too.

 

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

 

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

 

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

 

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

 

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

 

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

 

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

 

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1. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
2. Christmas Story (1983)
3. Miracle of 34th Street (1947)
4. Die Hard (1988)
5. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)

 

Runners up: Home Alone, Scrooged

 

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Visit, check it out, make yourself a friend of E-Verse!

 

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

 

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Franklin Pierce was the first United States president to decorate an official White House Christmas tree.

 

“Hot cockles” was a popular game at Christmas in medieval times. It was a game in which the other players took turns striking the blindfolded player, who had to guess the name of the person delivering each blow. “Hot cockles” was still a Christmas pastime until the Victorian era.

 

According to a 1995 survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.

 

An average household in America will mail out 28 Christmas cards each year and see 28 eight cards return in their place.

 

Hallmark introduced its first Christmas cards in 1915, five years after the founding of the company.

 

In an effort to solicit cash to pay for a charity Christmas dinner in 1891, a large crab pot was set down on a San Francisco street, becoming the first Salvation Army collection kettle.

 

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1 quart reduced-fat dairy eggnog or 1 can (1 quart) eggnog
1 can (12 ounces) frozen orange juice concentrate (thawed)
1 can (12 ounces) ginger ale (chilled)

Booze of your choice

 

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A Charlie Brown Scrubs Christmas:

 

 

iFilm top 100 viral videos for 2006 and will show a snippet of one of them.

 

 

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“You forgot Stephen Millhauser’s great book on the department store, his novel, Martin Dressler. I have never read a book that describes both the inner workings of what makes a great dream emporium as well as what makes a person want to build a dream emporium. His descriptions of his buildings (while in many ways also a history of the rise of mercantilism in NYC as well as of the luxury life style) is also a very religious book on how the rise and fall of Martin Dressler, tied to the American Dream as Millhauser fashions it, was also the rise and fall in the belief in that kind of life. He took capitalism’s own myths about itself and created a fantasy novel that slices open the glitz and shows the horror beneath it. I do think it was one of the most remarkable books of recent years and yet it seems to have fallen to the wayside for no good reason. Thanks for the shopping show, it was loads of fun, and I liked the tie.”

 

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1. It’s the only Jewish holiday that commemorates a military victory, the defeat of the Syrianized Greeks led by King Antiochus IV in 165 B.C.E. by the Hebrews, though technically it celebrates a miracle: that the sacred oil used to keep the temple in Jerusalem’s eternal flame lit lasted for 8 days instead of just one day.

2. It’s one of the most recently established Jewish holidays, so recent that some communities don’t celebrate it because it appears they left on the Diaspora before it was introduced.

 

3. It’s one of the most minor Jewish holidays, in no way equivalent in importance for Jews to Christmas for Christians.

 

4. “Chanukah” means “dedication,” as the Temple in Jerusalem, defiled with a statue of Zeus by Antiochus’ men, was rededicated after the defeat, with an 8 day celebration

 

5. The Hebrews were led by Judah Maccabee and his six brothers. For centuries, bones purportedly to be the remains of the Maccabees have lain in the church San Pietro in Vincoli (St. Peter in Chains) in Rome in a sarcophagus divided into seven sections, one for each Maccabee. More recent scientific examination has shown the remains to be dog bones. But they’re still there and you can visit them. This church is also where Michelangelo’s Moses is, which is the statue that started to make people think Jews had horns.

 

Bonus: Chanukah begins the night of Friday, December 15th, and continues for 8 days until sunset on December 23rd.

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2 3/4 cups granulated sugar
1/2 stick unsalted butter
2/3 cup water
1 1/2 cups lightly salted peanuts 

Makes 45 pieces
Total time: 1 hour

 

Step 1: Grease and line a 9 x 13-inch pan with foil.

Step 2: In a large, heavy saucepan over moderate heat, cook the sugar, butter, and water, stirring occasionally, until the mixture becomes a golden-brown syrup, about 25 minutes. Remove to a cool surface.

Step 3: Stir in the peanuts and pour mixture into the pan, spreading the nuts evenly.

Step 4: Let peanut brittle set and cool before breaking into bite-size pieces. It can be stored in an airtight container in a cool, dry place for up to 1 month.

 

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Bethlehem, PA

 

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A Modern yet Traditional Mulled Wine Recipe:
 
2 lemons
2 oranges
1 - 750 ml bottle of medium, to full, bodied red wine  Nutmeg (to taste)
Cloves (to taste)
1 oz brandy or Cognac (or to taste)
1 cup (250 ml) granulated sugar (optional)
Herbal or citrus influenced tea (optional but excellent)
Water (optional softener instead of tea)
4 large cinnamon sticks
4 candy canes

 

Instructions for making four large portions
Cut lemons and oranges into slices.
Pour the red wine into saucepan and gradually heat.
Add fruit slices, nutmeg, cloves and brandy.
Keep an eye on the mixture and wait until it becomes hot to the touch.
At this point you could blend in sugar or water (if desired).
Pour into glasses/mugs and add tea (to taste).
Garnish with cinnamon stick and candy cane.

 

Serve liberally to friends and loved ones, and sing along with the corniest holiday songs you can find

 

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 E-Verse Radio’s collective noun of the week:

 

A Sleigh of Santas

 

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“May I help you find suspenders to match the piano? A tie to go with your tea? Some Mozart for your handbag? If the modern art of selling depends upon creating associations, today’s sales mavericks owe a lot to the history of the department store, the original lifestyle marketers. In the early decades of the 20th century, if you were a person of moderate means and wanted to hear a piano recital, watch a film, sip tea, get a manicure, visit a travel bureau, or sign the kids up for bicycle lessons, the place to go was a downtown department store. Urbanization and rising wages created conditions for the retail giants to thrive, but their fundamental success hinged on an essential insight that still rings true today: Shopping was an excuse to have an experience. Today, Americans shop for necessities, shop for status, shop to socialize, shop to escape, shop to people-watch, shop to educate, and shop as therapy. But it was not always a foregone conclusion that a nation of hardscrabble pioneers would become a nation of shopaholics.”

 

- Christina Larson, Washington Monthly

 

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The World is Too Much with Us
William Wordsworth
 
The world is too much with us; late and soon,  
    Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:  
    Little we see in Nature that is ours; 
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon! 
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
    The winds that will be howling at all hours  
    And are up-gather’d now like sleeping flowers, 
For this, for everything, we are out of tune; 
It moves us not. — Great God! I’d rather be  
    A pagan suckled in a creed outworn, –
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,  
    Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn; 
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;  
    Or hear old Triton blow his wreathèd horn.

 

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1. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping” - Bo Derek

2. ”I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.” - Tammy Faye Bakker

3. ”My ideal relaxation is working on upholstery. I spend hours in junk shops buying furniture. I do all the upholstery work myself, and it’s like therapy.” - Pamela Anderson

4. ”On the one hand, shopping is dependable: You can do it alone, if you lose your heart to something that is wrong for you, you can return it; it’s instant gratification and yet something you buy may well last for years.” - Judith Krantz

5. ”Shopping seemed to take an entirely too important place in women’s lives. You never saw men milling around in men’s departments. They made quick work of it. I used to wonder if shopping was a form of escape for women who had no worthwhile interests.” - Mary Barnett Gilson

 

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Fun in a Bakery Shop (1902)

Shop Look & Listen (1940)

The Filth Shop (1969)

Multi-Coloured Swap Shop (1976)

Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)

Coffee Shop Hell (2005)

 

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“How about Robert Pinsky’s ‘To Television’?”

 

 

Not a “window on the world”
But as we call you,
A box a tube

 

Terrarium of dreams and wonders.
Coffer of shades, ordained
Cotillion of phosphors
Or liquid crystal

 

Homey miracle, tub
Of acquiescence, vein of defiance.
Your patron in the pantheon would be Hermes

 

Raster dance,
Quick one, little thief, escort
Of the dying and comfort of the sick,

 

In a blue glow my father and little sister sat
Snuggled in one chair watching you
Their wife and mother was sick in the head
I scorned you and them as I scorned so much

 

Now I like you best in a hotel room,
Maybe minutes
Before I have to face an audience: behind
The doors of the armoire, box
Within a box — Tom & Jerry, or also brilliant
And reassuring, Oprah Winfrey.

 

Thank you, for I watched, I watched
Sid Caesar speaking French and Japanese not
Through knowledge but imagination,
His quickness, and Thank You, I watched live
Jackie Robinson stealing

 

Home, the image — O strung shell — enduring
Fleeter than light like these words we
Remember in, they too winged
At the helmet and ankles.

 

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All the preachers claimed it was Satan.

Now the first sets seem more venerable

Than Abraham or Williamsburg

Or the avant-garde. Back then nothing,

 

Not even the bomb, had ever looked so new.

It seemed almost heretical watching it

When we visited relatives in the city,

Secretly delighting, but saying later,

 

After church, probably it would not last,

It would destroy things: standards

And the sacredness of words in books.

It was well into the age of color,

 

Korea and Little Rock long past,

Before anyone got one. Suddenly some

Of them in the next valley had one.

You would know them by their lights

 

Burning late at night, and the recentness

And distance of events entering their talk,

But not one in our valley; for a long time

No one had one, so when the first one

 

Arrived in the van from the furniture store

And the men had set the box on the lawn,

At first we stood back from it, circling it

As they raised its antenna and staked in

 

The guy wires before taking it in the door,

And I seem to recall a kind of blue light

Flickering from inside and then a woman

Calling out that they had got it tuned in –

 

A little fuzzy, a ghost picture, but something

That would stay with us, the way we hurried

Down the dirt roads, the stars, the silence,

Then everyone disappearing into the houses.

 

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Sylvan N. Goldman of Humpty Dumpty Stores and Standard Food Markets developed the shopping trolley so that people could buy more in a single visit. He unveiled his creation in Oklahoma City on June 4, 1937.

 

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Her current profile can be seen at
http://www.abc.net.au/backyard/presenters/JENNIFERFLEMING.htm?newcastle

 

And her blog at:
www.jenfleming.com

 

 

 

“Demon Seed (1977). Julie Christie carries the Demon Seed. Fear for her.”

 

 

 

“Does Lisa from Weird Science count as a robot? Because I believe both lead characters had sex with her and it was mind-blowing.”

 

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The Mall of America near Minneapolis, MN has over 500 stores.

 

It does not have a heating system. It relies on the heat from the lighting, the sunroof and all the people.

 

It has four Gaps and an amusement park.

 

It draws 40 million visitors each year; more than Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon combined.

 

The Mall of America is an international tourist attraction - more than one third of visitors come from over 150 miles away. Airlines offer travel and shopping package deals to shoppers from Germany, Japan, Switzerland, England and Australia.

 

Only five miles away from the Mall of America is the Southdale mall. It was the first enclosed shopping mall ever, opening less than 50 years ago (October 8, 1956).

 

The world’s largest shopping mall is the West Edmonton Mall in Alberta, Canada.

 

 

 

The “West Ed Mall” in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, there are over 800 stores.

 

It has the world’s largest indoor wave pool.

 

It has over 110 places to eat.

 

Of course, West Ed Mall, the world’s largest mall, has the world’s largest parking lot.

 

There are one-third of a million lighting fixtures.

 

It has 58 entrances.

 

West Ed Mall was opened in 1981, and the fourth phase was completed 17 years later.

 

There are two A & Ws, two Baskin Robbinses, two KFCs, two Arbys, two Dairy Queens, three Orange Juliuses and three McDonalds in West Ed Mall.

 

Surprisingly, there is only one Starbucks there.

 

 

 

There are 50,000 shopping malls in the United States alone.

 

Women will buy more if they hear their heels clicking on polished hard surfaces, so designers often use hard flooring in hallways. Inside the stores themselves, there is often carpeting or softer surfaces to lure customers in and make them feel at home.

 

Places to sit in the common areas of malls are hard to find. People aren’t shopping when they’re sitting.

 

Escalators are placed strategically to force shoppers to pass the maximum number of storefronts.

 

Most malls have bends and turns as shoppers typically won’t walk towards something that seems more than one tenth of a mile away.

 

Floor plans in malls are disorienting for a reason - so shoppers cannot make a quick exit.

 

The average mall shopper stays for 80 minutes and spends $75 each visit.

 

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“It’s comments like last week’s on A Boy and His Dog that make me want to rerun my list: top five movies that contain cannibalism and lesbians. It ran a couple years ago, when I first started writing lists. Unfortunately, I can’t remember all of the items — it had definitely been a challenge to write. Perhaps readers can finish the list. I just remember.”

1. Fried Green Tomatoes
2. Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death
3. I think The Hunger, with Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon as vampire lesbians, was one of the items.
4. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
5. Pink Flamingoes

 

“Since I made the list, I’ve thought of two others that marginally fit.”

6. Serenity/Firefly (on the TV show, there were cannibals and lesbians; only cannibals in the movie, though, as far as I could tell)
7. Hannibal (I couldn’t bear to see the movie, but the book qualifies for this list in the other respects)

 

“Oh, and if anyone takes offense, please point out to them that I am a woman and a feminist, though neither a cannibal nor a lesbian. And I can’t take any movie with Don Johnson seriously. After all, this is a guy who married Melanie Griffith . . . twice! Sometimes, with age, wisdom in dating choices does not come.”

 

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“For this week’s episode I have a series of home shopping network video bloopers that have done the rounds for a while.”

 

“Computers for Porn”

 

 

“Guy vs. Sword”

 

 

“QVC Ladder”

 

 

 

“Horse Butterfly Moth”

 

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Commerce City, Colorado

 

Bonus: Bloomington, MN. www.mallofamerica.com

 

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[Anyone out there ever worked as a "mystery shopper?" Please send in your stories. - E]

 

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“On top five movies/TVG shows in which dolls come to life – the scariest is undoubtedly the one with Michael Redgrave from the British film Dead of Night (1945). As far as I know this was Ealing Studio’s only foray into horror, but is still regarded as one of the best British horror films ever made.”

 

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Does anyone keep the old E-Verses? Does anyone out there have a full run of old E-Verse installments for the past few years? I lost all of mine in the great crash of May 2006. If you do, and you wouldn’t mind sending them to me, please write in and let me know how far back your archive runs. I would like to set up an archive so new E-Versers can see how we used to do it. Thanks.

 

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Bauer, Joan. Rules of the Road. 1998.

Birmingham, Stephen. Carriage Trade. 1993.

Bogosian, Eric. Mall. 2000.

Burroughs, Augusten. Sellevision. 2000.

Clair, Daphne. Wilde Man. 1997.

Elsschot, Willem. Cheese. 2002.

Harper, Madeline. Keepsakes. 1998.

Kinsella, Sophie. Confessions of a Shopaholic. 2001.

Kinsella, Sophie. Shopaholic Takes Manhattan. 2002.

Kinsella, Sophie. Shopaholic Ties the Knot. 2002.

Kramer, Gavin. Shopping. 1998.

Martin, Steve. Shopgirl. 2000.

Nicholson, Geoff. Everything and More. 1995.

Pearson, Ridley. Hidden Charges. 1987.

Peck, Richard. Secrets of the Shopping Mall. 1979.

Rudnick, Paul. I’ll Take It. 1989.

Stella, Leslie. The Easy Hour. 2003.

Waite, Judy. Shopaholic. 2003.

 

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A spree of shoppers.

 

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“It began as a solution to that All-American holiday problem — what to do with the leftover turkey. But executives at C.A. Swanson & Sons weren’t talking about just the remainders of the family meal. They were talking 520,000 pounds of poultry. The Omaha, Neb., frozen food company had overestimated the demand for and undersold its 1953 Thanksgiving supply. Having insufficient warehouse facilities to store the overage, brothers Gilbert and Clark Swanson loaded the turkeys into 10 refrigerated railroad cars, which had to keep moving to stay cold. As the turkeys traveled from Nebraska to the East Coast and back again, the Swanson brothers handed their staff a challenge — make good of this ‘fowl’ situation. Enter Gerry Thomas, a company salesman. Visiting the food kitchens of Pan American Airways in Pittsburgh, he caught sight of the single-compartment aluminum trays the cooks used to keep food hot. Thomas requested a sample, then spent his flight home designing a three-compartment tray that was a step up from the serviceman’s mess kit. He decided his design might be just what Swanson needed to sell off that turkey. Back in Omaha, Thomas presented a turkey dinner-filled tray to the Swanson brothers. Then he suggested tying the dinners to the nation’s latest craze, television. Packages were designed to resemble a TV screen, complete with volume control knobs -and the TV dinner was born.”

 

- Mary Dixon Lebeau
 

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from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Roald Dahl

The most important thing we’ve learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set –
Or better still, just don’t install
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we’ve been,
We’ve watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.
(Last week in someone’s place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they’re hypnotised by it,
Until they’re absolutely drunk
With all that shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don’t climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink –
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?
IT ROTS THE SENSE IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!
HE CANNOT THINK — HE ONLY SEES!
‘All right!’ you’ll cry. ‘All right!’ you’ll say,
‘But if we take the set away,
What shall we do to entertain
Our darling children? Please explain!’
We’ll answer this by asking you,
‘What used the darling ones to do?
‘How used they keep themselves contented
Before this monster was invented?’
Have you forgotten? Don’t you know?
We’ll say it very loud and slow:
THEY . . . USED . . . TO . . . READ! They’d READ and READ,
AND READ and READ, and then proceed
To READ some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!
One half their lives was reading books!
The nursery shelves held books galore!
Books cluttered up the nursery floor!
And in the bedroom, by the bed,
More books were waiting to be read!
Such wondrous, fine, fantastic tales
Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales
And treasure isles, and distant shores
Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,
And pirates wearing purple pants,
And sailing ships and elephants,
And cannibals crouching ’round the pot,
Stirring away at something hot.
(It smells so good, what can it be?
Good gracious, it’s Penelope.)
The younger ones had Beatrix Potter
With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,
And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,
And Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle and –
Just How The Camel Got His Hump,
And How the Monkey Lost His Rump,
And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,
There’s Mr. Rate and Mr. Mole –
Oh, books, what books they used to know,
Those children living long ago!
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks –
Fear not, because we promise you
That, in about a week or two
Of having nothing else to do,
They’ll now begin to feel the need
Of having something to read.
And once they start — oh boy, oh boy!
You watch the slowly growing joy
That fills their hearts. They’ll grow so keen
They’ll wonder what they’d ever seen
In that ridiculous machine,
That nauseating, foul, unclean,
Repulsive television screen!
And later, each and every kid
Will love you more for what you did.
  
[Note that this is from the original book, not the movie. If you know about any good poems on the subject of television, pro, con, or neutral, please send them in. E]
 

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Top Five TV shows/movies in which dolls come to life:
 
1. Pinocchio
2. The Twilight Zone episode in which ventriloquist Cliff Robertson switches places with his evil dummy
3. Richard Matheson short story filmed as Trilogy of Terror — saw this at age 7 or so and it made me scared for YEARS
4. Chucky
5. Fantasy Island episode in which this ventriloquist has the lamest fantasy ever, and has her dummy come to life, and the dummy then steals her man
 

[I would like to add that damned doll from Poltergeist! - E]
 

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A reader on the rule:
 
“I before E except after C. I learned an addendum to that as a child, which goes ’Or when sounding like “a” as in “neighbor’ and ’weigh.’ But those don’t have c’s in them, so technically I’ve just changed the topic!

 

Another:
 
“Society?”
 
 
Another:
 
“Atheist.”

 

 

 

“In support of the rule: The word ‘ceil,’ which means to make a ceiling, comes from the French ‘ciel,’ sky. Clark Coolidge wrote this poem (from his book Space) as a mixture of i’s and e’s:”
  
will   term
 
dice   ceil

 

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Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn’t Own A Television:
 
www.theonion.com/content/node/28694

 

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Bonus lyrics:
 
57 Channels (And Nothin’ On)
Bruce Springsteen

 

I bought a bourgeois house in the Hollywood hills
With a trunkload of hundred thousand dollar bills
Man came by to hook up my cable TV
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We switched ’round and ’round ’til half-past dawn
There was fifty-seven channels and nothin’ on

Well now home entertainment was my baby’s wish
So I hopped into town for a satellite dish
I tied it to the top of my Japanese car
I came home and pointed it out into the stars
A message came back from the great beyond
There’s fifty-seven channels and nothin’ on

Well we might’a made some friends with some billionaires
We might’a got all nice and friendly
If we’d made it upstairs
All I got was a note that said, “Bye-bye John
Our love is fifty-seven channels and nothin’ on.”
So I bought a .44 magnum, it was solid steel cast
And in the blessed name of Elvis, well, I just let it blast
‘Til my TV lay in pieces there at my feet
And they busted me for disturbin’ the almighty peace
Judge said, “What you got in your defense son?”
“Fifty-seven channels and nothin’ on”

I can see by your eyes friend you’re just about gone
Fifty-seven channels and nothin’ on
Fifty-seven channels and nothin’ on

 

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Unbelievable But Real Television Film Titles of the Week:

 

Murder by Television (1935)

 

Trapped by Television (1936)

 

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1. Apostrophes: Teal’c; D’argo; T’pol
2. Latin names: Romulans; Centauri; Vulcans
3. Only one name: Worf; Gort; Xenu; Spock (and I don’t care that he is said to have another, unpronounceable name . . . he only has one name ever used, so there)
4. Names that mean stuff in English that define the character, so they’re kind of Dickensian: Skywalker; Greedo
5. Words that are English words but mean weird, science fiction-y things: Quark; Krypton
 

“You know how every TV show has to have romantic tension between two actors, with a whole will-they-or-won’t-they thing going on, until, inevitably, there is a ratings slide and they ’do it’? Well, here are the top five:”
 
1. Farscape: because they did it best and with best chemistry
2. Cheers: because they were the ones who started this whole trend anew
3. Moonlighting: best banter
4. X-Files: because it was so THEM even when it wasn’t about them
5. Alias: great chemistry (until the actors broke up in real life)
  

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Bonus quotes about television:

 

“Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone.” - Hodding Carter

 

“MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980’s.” - Doug Ferrari

 

“Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.” - Eric Sevareid

 

“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” - Frank Lloyd Wright

 

“Imitation is the sincerest form of television.” - Fred Allen
 

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1. New Battlestar Galactica
2. Making Mr. Right (Mr. Right = John Malkovich robot)
3. Star Trek: The Next Generation
4. A.I. (Jude Law-bot)
5. Blade Runner

 

Runners up: The Fembots, from Wonder Woman, and Austin Powers
 

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Top five quotes from science fiction TV and movies:
 
1. “Soylent Green is people!” (Soylent Green)
2. “It’s a cookbook!” (episode of The Twilight Zone entitled “To Serve Man”)
3. “Live long and prosper.”
4. “May the force be with you!”
5. “Klaatu barada nikto!” (The Day the Earth Stood Still)
 
Runners up:
 
6. “E.T. phone home” (ET)
7. “Open the pod bay doors, HAL. / I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” (2001)
8. “We have to nuke it from space. It’s the only way to be sure.” (Aliens)
9. “I’ll be back.” (Terminator movies)
10. “There is no spoon.” (The Matrix)
 

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A reader on last week’s worst date movies, Boy and His Dog:
 
“That movie was one of the final nails in the coffin of one of my better love relationships. The lass was an avowed feminist (as was I) but unfortunately she could not accept the ending as being ‘cute’ in any way. With age comes wisdom in dating choices. Ahhh well.”
 

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E-Versers Matthew Rohrer and Joshua Beckman visit Frank O’Hara’s grave:

 

“I just wanted to send you these pictures because I thought you’d appreciate them. Joshua Beckman and I drove out to the far end of Long Island to visit Frank O’Hara’s grave. It was a beautiful day. We poured him a little sip of whiskey. I’m sure he gets thirsty out there. Someone else had been and left a little flyer on his headstone. I recommend you all go. It’s a beautiful spot. Lots of painters are buried there too, Elaine De Kooning, Ad Reinhardt, Stuart Davis, Jackson Pollack.”
 

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1. Rocketboom www.rocketboom.com
2. Tiki Bar TV www.tikibartv.com
3. AskANinja www.askaninja.com
4. Alive in Baghdad http://aliveinbaghdad.org/
5. Ze Frank - The Show www.zefrank.com/theshow

 

Special mention: www.galacticast.com (for SciFi freaks)
Steve Garfield: www.stevegarfield.com (mainly because he was the first)

Full references go to http://pulverblog.pulver.com/archives/005282.html

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“I scanned that “Atlantic” list 5 times and couldn’t find John F. Kennedy. I saw Nixon, LBJ, Eisenhower, Truman, and Roosevelt, but no Kennedy. Now, I am not a big Kennedy fan. And his actual accomplishments may have been small. But damn if the guy wasn’t influential. Is there any explanation for his absence from the Atlantic list?”

 

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See the full set is here:

 

http://flickr.com/photos/michael_hughes/sets/346406/
 

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According to the A.C. Nielsen Co. (1998), the average American watches 3 hours and 46 minutes of TV each day (more than 52 days of nonstop TV — watching per year). By age 65 the average American will have spent nearly 9 years glued to the tube.

Percentage of US households with at least one television: 98
Percentage of US households with at least one VCR: 84
Percentage of US households with two TV sets: 34; three or more TV sets: 40
Hours per day that TV is on in an average US home: 7 hours, 12 minutes
Percentage of Americans that regularly watch television while eating dinner: 66
Number of videos rented daily in the US: 6 million
Number of public library items checked out daily: 3 million
Chance that an American falls asleep with the TV on at least three nights a week: 1 in 4
Percentage of Americans who say they watch too much TV: 49
Number of minutes per week that the average American child ages 2-11 watches television: 1,197
Number of minutes per week that parents spend in meaningful conversation with their children: 38.5
Percentage of children ages 5-17 who have a TV in their bedroom: 52
Percentage of children ages 2-5 who have a TV in their bedroom: 25
Percentage of day care centers that use TV during a typical day: 70
Percentage of parents who would like to limit their children’s TV watching: 73
Percentage of 4-6 year-olds who, when asked to choose between watching TV and spending time with their fathers, preferred television: 54.
Hours per week of TV watching shown to negatively affect academic achievement: 10 or more
Percentage of 4th graders that watch more than 14 hours of television per week: 81
Hours per year the average American youth watches television: 1,500
Hours per year the average American youth spends in school: 900
Chance that an American parent requires that children do their homework before watching TV: 1 in 12
Percentage of teenagers 13-17 who can name the city where the US Constitution was written (Philadelphia): 25
Percentage of teenagers 13-17 who know where you find the zip code 90210 (Beverly Hills): 75
Number of violent acts the average American child sees on TV by age 18: 200,000
Number of murders witnessed by children on television by the age 18: 16,000
Percentage of Hollywood executives who believe there is a link between TV violence and real-life violence: 80
Percentage of children polled who said they felt “upset” or “scared” by violence on television: 91
Percent increase in network news coverage of homicide between 1990 and 1995: 336
Percent reduction in the American homicide rate between 1990 and 1995: 13
Number of medical studies since 1985 linking excessive television watching to increasing rates of obesity: 12
Percentage of American children ages 6 to 11 who were seriously overweight in 1963: 4.5; In 1993: 14
Number of ads aired for “junk-food” during four hours of Saturday morning cartoons: 202
Number of TV commercials seen in a year by an average child: 30,000
Number of TV commercials seen by the average American by age 65: 2 million
Percentage of toy advertising dollars spent on television commercials in 1997: 92
Percentage of Americans who believe that “most of us buy and consume far more than we need”: 82
Percentage of local TV news broadcast time devoted to advertising: 30
Percentage devoted to stories about crime, disaster and war: 53.8
Percentage devoted to public service announcements: 0.7
Total amount candidates spent on television ads during the 1996 political campaigns: $2.5 billion
Percentage of Americans who can name The Three Stooges: 59
Percentage of Americans who can name three Supreme Court Justices: 17
 

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A reader writes in on last week’s fact about the iceberg as big as London:

 

“Like many Londoners, parts of this iceberg have travelled thousands of miles to migrate to New Zealand.”
 
Watch it here:

 

http://xtramsn.co.nz/technology/0,,13443-6576720-300,00.html
 

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This week’s town you really have to visit:

 

Europos Parkas in Lithuania, which contains the world’s largest artwork made of TVs

 

 

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E-Verse collective noun of the week:
 
A tube of televisions.
 

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“Here are two excellent London blogs: The Londonist (www.londonist.com) features news, tidbits and very atmospheric photographs; and the London Underground blog ( www.london-underground.blogspot.com) has great pictures of passengers on the Tube and remarks about their outfits as well as news and general bitches and moans about London Transport. Fun! Another top London fact: it was announced last week that the 2012 Olympic Games will cost £8bn, a full £900m more than projected. Of that, £400m will go to a ’consortium’ which has been set up purposely ’to deliver the games on time and on budget.’ Eighty per cent of Londoners think the cost will rise again. Fifty per cent, in a BBC poll, think we should just pull out NOW. Pip pip!”
 

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A reader on more writers who escaped death:

 

“Dostoyevsky was arrested (for associating with radicals) and sent to prison. He was literally in front of the firing squad when a reprieve came through and he was released. This was as a very young man, before any of the major writings. He became indirectly involved in a revolutionary treason, for which he was arrested in 1849, and sentenced to death. His execution was to take place on a freezing winter day in St. Petersburg, where he was blindfolded and ordered to stand before the firing squad, waiting to be shot. His execution was stopped at the last minute, and he was commuted to prison and exile to Siberia.”
 

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A reader sends in five writers who lost their brushes with death:

 

1. Antoine de St. Exupery: died in a plane crash during WWII
2. Christopher Marlowe: actually, it’s surprising more writers don’t die in barfights. But couldn’t this one have happened to someone else?
3. Wilfred Owen: died in WWI, a week before the war ended, so news of his death reached his home after peace had already been declared.
4. Percy Shelley: a sudden squall on an otherwise clear day caused him to fall off his boat and drown, while nobody else was even troubled by the squall.
5. Rupert Brooke — died of an infected mosquito bite in the days before antibiotics. The first of the great WWI poets.
 

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Gossip often centers on TV shows
Viewers have in common. This is not strange.
What else can be so equal and shared?
Discussions of real estate, everyone knows,
Soon show that some can exist in a range
That surpasses what others ever cared
To know about. Talk of sex will reveal
That someone’s not getting any. Talk of
New books won’t fly, unless Oprah picked them.
Men have sports, but it serves most to conceal
How unalike they are otherwise. What love
Is squandered in this public fantasy, when
Families watch others choke on worms,
So familiar, now, no one even squirms?

 

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“Aaay” (Fonzie, “Happy Days”)
“And that’s the way it is” (Walter Cronkite, “CBS Evening News”)
“Ask not what your country can do for you …” (John F. Kennedy)
“Baby, you’re the greatest” (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, “The Honeymooners”)
“Bam!” (Emeril Lagasse, “Emeril Live”)
“Book ‘em, Danno” (Steve McGarrett, “Hawaii Five-O”)
“Come on down!” (Johnny Olson, “The Price is Right”)
“Danger, Will Robinson” (Robot, “Lost in Space”)
“De plane! De plane!” (Tattoo, “Fantasy Island”)
“Denny Crane” (Denny Crane, “Boston Legal”)
“Do you believe in miracles?” (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)
“D’oh!” (Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons”)
“Don’t make me angry ….” (David Banner, “The Incredible Hulk”)
“Dyn-o-mite” (J.J., “Good Times”)
“Elizabeth, I’m coming!” (Fred Sanford, “Sanford and Son”)
“Gee, Mrs. Cleaver …” (Eddie Haskell, “Leave it to Beaver”)
“God’ll get you for that” (Maude, “Maude”)
“Good grief” (Charlie Brown, “Peanuts” specials)
“Good night, and good luck” (Edward R. Murrow, “See It Now”)
“Good night, John Boy” (”The Waltons”)
“Have you no sense of decency?” (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
“Heh heh” (Beavis and Butt-head, “Beavis and Butthead”)
“Here it is, your moment of Zen” (”The Daily Show”)
“Here’s Johnny!” (Ed McMahon, “The Tonight Show”)
“Hey now!” (Hank Kingsley, “The Larry Sanders Show”)
“Hey HEY hey!” (Dwayne Nelson, “What’s Happening!!”)
“Hey hey HEEY!” (Fat Albert, “Fat Albert”)
“Holy (whatever), Batman!” (Robin, “Batman”)
“Holy crap!” (Frank Barone, “Everybody Loves Raymond”)
“Homey don’t play that!” (Homey the Clown, “In Living Color”)
“How sweet it is!” (Jackie Gleason, “The Jackie Gleason Show”)
“How you doin’?” (Joey Tribbiani, “Friends”)
“I can’t believe I ate the whole thing” (Alka Seltzer ad)
“I know nothing!” (Sgt. Schultz, “Hogan’s Heroes”)
“I love it when a plan comes together” (Hannibal, “The A-Team”)
“I want my MTV!” (MTV ad)
“I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl ….” (Larry, “Newhart”)
“I’m not a crook …” (Richard Nixon)
“I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV” (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
“I’m Rick James, bitch!” (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, “Chappelle’s Show”)
“Is that your final answer?” (Regis Philbin, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”)
“It keeps going and going and going …” (Energizer Batteries ad)
“It takes a licking ….” (Timex ad)
“Jane, you ignorant slut” (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, “Saturday Night Live”)
“Just one more thing …” (Columbo, “Columbo”)
“Let’s be careful out there” (Sgt. Esterhaus, “Hill Street Blues”)
“Let’s get ready to rumble!” (Michael Buffer, various sports events)
“Live long and prosper” (Spock, “Star Trek”)
“Makin’ whoopie” (Bob Eubanks, “The Newlywed Game”)
“Mom always liked you best” (Tommy Smothers, “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour”)
“Never assume …” (Felix Unger, “The Odd Couple”)
“Nip it!” (Barney Fife, “The Andy Griffith Show”)
“No soup for you!” (The Soup Nazi, “Seinfeld”)
“Norm!” (”Cheers”)
“Now cut that out!” (Jack Benny, “The Jack Benny Program”)
“Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!” (Stan and Kyle, “South Park”)
“Oh, my nose!” (Marcia Brady, “The Brady Bunch”)
“One small step for man …” (Neil Armstrong)
“Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?” (Grey Poupon ad)
“Read my lips: No new taxes!” (George H.W. Bush)
“Resistance is futile” (Picard as Borg, “Star Trek: The Next Generation”)
“Say good night, Gracie” (George Burns, “The Burns & Allen Show”)
“Schwing!” (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, “Saturday Night Live”)
“Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy” (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
“Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids” (Trix cereal ad)
“Smile, you’re on ‘Candid Camera’ ” (”Candid Camera”)
“Sock it to me” (”Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In”)
“Space, the final frontier …” (Capt. Kirk, “Star Trek”)
“Stifle!” (Archie Bunker, “All in the Family”)
“Suit up!” (Barney Stinson, “How I Met Your Mother”)
“Tastes great! Less filling!” (Miller Lite beer ad)
“Tell me what you don’t like about yourself” (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, “Nip/Tuck”)
“That’s hot” (Paris Hilton, “The Simple Life”)
“The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat” (Jim McKay, “ABC’s Wide World of Sports”)
“The tribe has spoken” (Jeff Probst, “Survivor”)
“The truth is out there” (Fox Mulder, “The X-Files”)
“This is the city …” (Sgt. Joe Friday, “Dragnet”)
“Time to make the donuts” (”Dunkin’ Donuts” ad)
“Two thumbs up” (Siskel & Ebert, “Siskel & Ebert”)
“Up your nose with a rubber hose” (Vinnie Barbarino, “Welcome Back, Kotter”)
“We are two wild and crazy guys!” (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, “Saturday Night Live”)
“Welcome to the O.C., bitch” (Luke, “The O.C.”)
“Well, isn’t that special?” (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, “Saturday Night Live”)
“We’ve got a really big show!” (Ed Sullivan, “The Ed Sullivan Show”)
“Whassup?” (Budweiser ad)
“What you see is what you get!” (Geraldine, “The Flip Wilson Show”)
“Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” (Arnold Drummond, “Diff’rent Strokes”)
“Where’s the beef?” (Wendy’s ad)
“Who loves you, baby?” (Kojak, “Kojak”)
“Would you believe?” (Maxwell Smart, “Get Smart”)
“Yabba dabba do!” (Fred Flintstone, “The Flintstones”)
“Yada, yada, yada” (”Seinfeld”)
“Yeah, that’s the ticket” (Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, “Saturday Night Live”)
“You eeeediot!” (Ren, “Ren & Stimpy”)
“You look mahvelous!” (Billy Crystal as Fernando, “Saturday Night Live”)
“You rang?” (Lurch, “The Addams Family”)
“You’re fired!” (Donald Trump, “The Apprentice”)
“You’ve got spunk …” (Lou Grant, “The Mary Taylor Moore Show”) 
  

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Tuesday, December 5, 7:30pm
70TH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION
OF NEW DIRECTIONS

 

On the occasion of the publication of /The Way It Wasn’t: From the Files of James Laughlin/, founder of New Directions, poets, writers, and friends of the press read from the work of the great 20th century poetic masters championed by New Directions. With Pen Creeley, Bei Dao, Mónica de la Torre, Forrest Gander, Edward Hirsch, Richard Howard, Susan Howe, Dunya Mikhail, Bradford Morrow, Marie Ponsot, and Eliot Weinberger. With video and photos from the ND archives.

 

Admission is $10 / $7 for PSA Members and Students.
Co-presented with The New School Graduate Writing Program.
Tishman Auditorium, The New School
66 West 12th Street (between 5th and 6th Avenues)
New York, NY
 

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