One morning, David Yezzi sent me this limerick, written by Robert Conquest about that “c**t” (K. Amis’s word) Sir Philip Toynbee (experimental verse novelist, son of the famous historian):

You cannot when dealing with Toynbee,
Just pay him back in his own coin be—
Cause talking such piss
Would seem rather a miss;
So how would a kick in the groin be?

I proposed that we battle it out in a contest of timed limericks, like timed chess, in Washington Square Park. I got the ball rolling:

When engaging the poet named Yezzi,
You must, from the first, mention his “fee.”
If one’s not direct
He feels it neglect:
“Famous bards don’t versify for free!”

[32 secs]

He came back with this:

When addressing the poet Hilburtius,
First expound on how handsome his shirt is,
And the cut of his slacks,
For the one thing he lacks
Is the power to resist someone courteous.

[23 secs]

So I hit him with a similarly Roman start:

Proconsul Yezzius Davidus
Doesn’t like to make much of a fuss.
He’s fine with khaki
And cut-rate brandy,
Though a tux and good booze are a plus.

[13 secs]

So he went musical and international on me:

Senor Hilbert, the maestro Ernesto,
Conducts all his symphonies “presto,”

Except for Bee’s Fifth
Which he crams full of pith:
Que he hecho yo para merecer esto?

[36 secs]

So I hit him where it hurts:

Big boss David Yezzi, I have found,
Drives many a firm into the ground.
When the stocks drop
And PR’s a flop,
You can bet that he won’t be around!

[35 secs]

He hit back with this acrostic limerick (my name is spelled by the initial letters of each line):

Ernest Hilbert will often compose
Righteous verses while thumbing his nose
Now and then at a poets’

Inner feeling although it’s
Exploring their own qeuelquechose.

[64 secs]

So I decided to get artistic on him:

Daveeeeed, like Napoleon’s gifted clown,
Always groveling before the crown:
Contempt he breeds,
Whenever he succeeds,
Cause his feats leave his nose a bit brown.

[48 secs]

And he replied:

Ernie Hilbert’s employers are pissed
At the number of hours he’s missed
Composing light verses,
And the only thing worse is
He e-mails them out to his list.

[28 secs]

I finally managed an acrostic zinger of my own:

Yowch, he’s diggin’ De Kooning.
Even Pollock has him swooning.
Zealous as all hell,
Zany for Motherwell
I think his tastes need some tuning!

[65 secs]

So he got harsh:

E. Hilbert, rare book antiquarian,
Has some traits that he shares with Yossarian:
He’s an awfully nice fellow,
If a little bit yellow.
His idealism’s pure prelapsarian.

[59 secs]

And I went and got beat on him:

This cat Yezzi, I will submit,
Had better learn to cool it.
His verses go fast
And draw on the past
But that alone don’t make ‘em legit!

[28 secs]
He cried “Uncle!” and we called it a day. Send in your own limericks!